I have had the fortune of meeting so many amazing new people recently and know that in our surface conversations, Micah was never brought up. It's probably the most defining factor of who I am right now, bu it's not something you just throw out there when you meet someone for the first time. I love this blog and the facebook site so much because they me to share my feelings with those I see everyday so they don't have to guess how I am. In my day-to-day life, I want to be more than just that mom whose baby died. I am so much more than that- and as affected of my life is everyday by Micah, that is not all I'm about. With that said, I don't want to be labeled and don't necessarily wear my heart on my sleeve the way I do with most other events in my life. I wouldn't say that I fake happiness, because I am genuinely happy with my life, my husband, and the son I do have with me.
I definitely try not to dwell on my grief when I'm out and about during the day. I take my job as a stay-at-home mom very seriously and am constantly active and involved in a ton, in the same way I would at the office. I was telling a friend the other day how I'm just as career-oriented as I was before; I just have a different path. I keep just as many spreadsheets and lists, have just as many projects I'm working on, do just as much reading, research, webinars, articles, etc. as I did at the office- they're just about different things now. In the same way I wouldn't sit there and vent with my coworkers all day about my grieving, or what's going on in my head, I don't do it with my mom colleagues.
Over the past few months, although I hadn't updated the blog, I have shared brief thoughts on the Micah's Fight page on Facebook. (www.facebook.com/micahsfight). For those of you reading the blog who have not connected on Facebook, I wanted to post and reflect on the some of the things I've posted on the Facebook site since my last blog post. Please feel free to "like" the page as I'm sure I will continue to share brief thoughts.
July 19, 2014
It's been two and a half months since we lost our sweet son. He is on my mind nearly every moment of every day. I don't expect anyone who has not been through what I have to understand my feelings and the pain that lives in my heart. The less others talk about Micah, the more I feel like I need to. I will not let his memory and spirit die with him. I will continue his legacy. Regardless of how little time I had with Micah, I formed him in my womb. My exhausted body kept him alive. He is my son in the same way Justin is. Although under different circumstances, I delivered him the same way. He is Justin's little brother. I held him in my arms.
As much as I want to erase the fact that my son died, he still did. I can't pretend like it didn't happen. I can't allow him to live only in my heart and not in my mind.
I believe I have done an amazing job finding my new normal and enjoying life everyday. That doesn't mean that milestone dates, or certain circumstances won't serve as painful reminders that my son died. I feel the fresh pain all over again. I can't just put it to the back of my mind. He is always in the forefront.
Micah is gone from the world, but not from my heart. I feel an incompleteness I do not ever expect to get back. I love you and miss you, precious Micah John. I will never forget you. Until I see you again...
Can't stop crying today
When I found out I was pregnant last November, today was the day I looked forward to. This was the day, for planning purposes, I was going to start my new life with my sweet baby. The day my toddler would gain a sibling. Instead, heaven gained our sweet angel, Micah a couple months ago. Instead of waddling around pregnant hoping today would be the day, or already having my son in my arms, I am spending my usually very busy days with only one plan... to go to my annual checkup at the OB. I made the appointment because it was a Monday, not realizing what today was at the time. Now, my due date will be spent with the doctor who delivered my perfect baby into God's arms, surrounded by other pregnant women F Trisomy 18. I need my Micah.
I know I have a good bit of followers to this page who have gone through or are going through something very similar to our journey with Micah. I wanted to post something positive to give people hope after a stillbirth/infant loss or even just a tough pregnancy in general Make yourself a priority. It's not an option- spend time on yourself. I live for my husband and toddler, but I quickly realized that in order to be the best wife and mother I could be, I needed to make time for myself. We can't afford daycare, or retail therapy, so the only way to get the mandatory "me" time was to go to the gym.
A month ago, I decided to reclaim my body. After the hardest start to a year I've ever had, I was ready to get my body back. While pregnant with Micah, I had a bunch of random health issues I didn't have with Justin. This included heart issues and a severe lack of energy. I was fortunate to have had good enough eating habits to overcompensate for the inability to stay active to keep me from gaining a ton of weight. With that said, regardless of the physical and vanity effects the pregnancy had on my body- I struggled with losing control as my body worked as hard as it could to keep Micah alive. A month ago, I was finally cleared to return to the gym and retake control over my body and what it was capable of.
I didn't have specific goals- just wanted- NEEDED to focus on myself. Justin loves to play in the Kid's Club where they also have activities for the kids, and I just routinely went to the gym and calorie counted. No dieting, no two-a-days- just general exercise and calorie counting.
I was absolutely shocked when I went to the gym this morning for my monthly meeting with my personal trainer (free with my membership!). I'm down seven (7) pounds and have lost a total of 8.5 inches from my chest, waist, hips, thighs, calves, and arms. In the past I have probably dropped pounds and inches faster, but I'm just super happy to see results that I was not expecting.
I don't know if I've shared this publicly, but between medical and funeral expenses, we have paid around $10,000. We are incredibly blessed for the donation site(s) that were set up for us as they allowed us to not completely drain our savings account or go into debt. Micah's gravestone plaque alone is $2,000 after taxes and we still haven't ordered it. It breaks my heart that his grave is still marked with only a temporary marker and makes me feel like the worst mother in the world that my son's plot is lacking the beautiful bronze memorial that he deserves. I'm having a hard time going through with it, and knowing that however we design it is the way it will be for eternity.
Our day-to-day financial situation is fine. We can pay bills and are still able to enjoy the extras (going out to dinner, occasional coffee treats, family night out, etc.) but have had to say, "no" to some really important events. I missed one of my best friends' 30th birthday couples celebration in Vegas, another friend's wedding in Key West, my national convention in California with WineShop at Home, another high school best friend's bachelorette party in New York as well as her wedding this past weekend in Spain. I'm also going to have to skip the trip to Italy for my birthday/anniversary I have been dreaming about for as long as I can remember. Matt and I had money saved up for an all-inclusive vacation we were going to take after our journey with Micah ended and I can't bring myself to booking the trip when we still have expenses. All of the things I listed above are absolutely extravagant and I completely understand that many people would not be able to do any of the above even without being in our situation. Matt works his butt off for our family and I cut corners all year long to allow us to have money left over for some of the above. I hate that as hard as he works, we can't seem to get ahead again, and we have to question most purchases we make- even as small as picking up dinner for the night so I can have a night off from cooking. I hate that I had to lose one of my children and have to pay for it financially. It feels like a punishment, I wish there was some magically way that you didn't have to pay for your child's medical bills or funeral expenses but still honor them. We're fine, we just had a ton of financial setbacks and I hate that they were not because of irresponsible purchases, or poor financial planning and budgeting, or spending more than we brought in, they were because our son died. It's just not fair.
I hate that everyday of my life as a stay-at-home-mom is a excruciating reminder that Justin isn't a big brother like he was supposed to be. That I don't have a baby like I'm supposed to. That my future child-bearing is uncertain as I still can't imagine going through pregnancy again. That I don't feel "done" having children, but I probably never will because my family will always feel incomplete. I hate telling new people I meet that Justin is my only child- because he is so not- but he also really is. I hate that somedays I want to hold ALL the babies, and other days I want to lock myself in my bedroom and cry and never be around another baby again. I hate that how I feel is unpredictable. I hate that I can be having a pleasant conversation in the car, then a specific song comes on and I'm broken down to tears. I hate feeling emotionally out of control. I feel and love so much harder than I ever have before- which is not a bad thing, it's a hard thing.
I find myself for the first time in this entire experience asking why. I appreciate everyone that has followed me on this journey and continues to be by my side. I am not at all "over" it as I may lead others to believe in my normal demeanor. I hurt more than I have before lately. Justin is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. He keeps me laughing all day long. With all the personality this kid has packed into his little toddler body, the more it makes me wonder what Micah would have been like.
This may make me sound like a looney tune, but I completely, wholeheartedly feel like Micah would have been just as hilarious through random occurrences. On the way to Micah's funeral, Matt and I were trying to distract ourselves by listening to the radio. "Only the Good Die Young" Billy Joel, came on, and we switched it. Seemingly every radio station we changed it to had some song about death/dying ("Live Like you Were Dying" Tim McGraw, "Highway to Hell"- ACDC, "If I Die Young"- The Band Perry and "Die Young"- Ke$ha) and we laughed thinking it was a horrible coincidence. It was like something out of a movie.
For those who know me well enough, know that rainbows are what remind me of Micah the most. All of the major events of his "life" had a rainbow show up (diagnosis day, birth/deathday, day we left the hospital, funeral, due date). On Justin's 2nd birthday this past Saturday, Matt and I were in the car after his birthday party. Although it ended up raining hours later, there was not a drop of rain in the sky. I looked up and saw a rainbow. I got Matt's attention long enough to see it himself. I was commenting on how crazy it was that there was a rainbow when there was absolutely no rain. As soon as I got my camera out to take a picture, it was gone. Matt said it was like Micah was giving Justin his birthday present. I'm so glad that Matt saw it, too. I kept questioning myself that I thought up the whole thing and was feeling like a crazy person since it was gone as quickly as we saw it. I'm glad that I did not see it alone, and that Matt was there to let me know it happened or I would've though I was crazy.
Justin just woke up from his nap and I have to rush to the gym, so as much as I still feel I want to say, I will have to write another post at another day.
I will say that I have never been happier with my life and where it was. I can't bring back Micah, but I have taken new journeys, risks, have new amazing people in my life, new friendships to blossom, and have never had more confidence in the mom and wife that I am, all because of my sweet angel, Micah John <3
Always remember to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly.