I tried to ignore them and when Justin went down for a nap, I knew I needed to lay down and take it easy. I could feel the contractions more intensely as I allowed myself to rest. I really didn't want to bother Matt at work or cause any unnecessary worry for something that was probably nothing. By the time he came home from work, they were getting worse and I decided I needed to call the doctor. She told me to start tracking them and to page her if they were unbearable or coming every five minutes. Once I started timing them, I realized they were coming every two to three minutes. She told me I needed to go straight to Labor and Delivery at the hospital to get monitored and make sure I wasn't going into active labor. The thought of that happening at twenty weeks with a healthy baby would be terrifying- but a Trisomy 18 baby was horrifying.
We made plans to drop Justin off for the night, and headed to the hospital. I apparently wasn't doing as good of a job as I thought at trying to pretend like I was fine, because the woman at check-in demanded I sit in a wheelchair. I don't know why that was so scary to me. We went straight to Labor and Delivery and my doctor had already called ahead. Instead of sending us to triage first, the put us in a delivery room. At our hospital, you labor and deliver in the same room. Going into the same room I was in the day I had Justin- with the warming table, and scale, and baby blankets and everything brought a whole new flood of emotions.
The registrar came in to get us registered and she told us, "Congratulations!" and that "Matt would get his hospital bracelet after the baby was born". That was hard to hear. We were not there to have a baby! I was hooked up to machines and they ran a few tests. They checked for the baby's heartbeat and it took a long time to hear it. Long enough for the nurse to ask us the last time we had heard it, and when our last ultrasound was. FINALLY, we heard that beautiful sound and it was perfectly normal. I made jokes about how he was such a little stinker... already giving us gray hairs all the time :)
They determined I was not in active labor, wasn't sure what were causing the contractions... but sent me home with strict instructions to rest and come back immediately if they got so intense they were waking me up. That entire ordeal was terrifying- but luckily all is good and we have no idea what happened. I need to try to take it easy and accept defeat sometimes.
Anatomy Scan
Grandma Marge came over to watch Justin this morning, and Matt came home from work to attend the appointment. I had been preparing myself to hear the worst. There are tons of common problems babies with Trisomy 18 have, and I wanted to prepare myself the best I could. We know that our baby has Trisomy 18- but we didn't know how it had affected his body. I was having a really hard time accepting that we just weren't going to hear good news. They weren't going to tell us that we have a perfectly healthy baby like we had heard with Justin. I didn't lose faith, I'm just the type of person to always prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. It makes things a lot easier to stomach when receiving bad news. I am never in a position where I wouldn't be able to hear good news- it's the bad news that is so hard to accept.
When we arrived at the office, I requested a certain sonographer. She has been so compassionate this entire time. The first sonographer did not give us any pictures of our ultrasound at the appointment we received the bad news something was seriously wrong with our baby. When we went back again, this other sonographer made sure we left with picture memories of beautiful boy. I sat in the waiting room reading and rereading my serenity prayer bracelet other sweet friends sent us.
Luckily, the sonographer I requested came in :) I began by letting her know that we requested her and how much we appreciated her compassion. She doesn't view our baby as a diagnosis- she views him as a living baby who deserves so much more. We got to see our little guy flipping all around, kicking and punching. Such a little fighter.
I know that this is very vain- but I promised I would share my real feelings in this blog. I was very worried our baby would have a cleft palate/lip. In an earlier ultrasound, we learned that his arms were deformed and he had heart abnormalities. If I was having an otherwise healthy baby- a cleft palate would not be a big deal at all. I know many babies who had simple surgeries to repair it, and they are completely fine. Knowing this baby may not have the chance to take his first breath and that all we will have to remember him by are pictures, I just wanted his face to look "normal". We may never see him grow up, take his first steps, say his first word, or hit his first baseball... our only relationship with him may be through memories in pictures. I had been praying about this.
I asked the sonographer if it would be too early to detect a cleft palate- she said it was not. She showed us his perfectly formed mouth. I wave of relief went over my body. Small victories :)
She sat with us and allowed us to get some video of our baby boy. It was so nice living in ignorance of not being able to medically understand the images we were seeing. She mentioned to us that another mother brought in a recording device from Build a Bear and they recorded the baby's heartbeat on the device to put into a stuffed animal. She told me that if we wanted to do that, I could call her and she would meet me anytime to get his heartbeat recorded. She is absolutely amazing.
Before she left for the doctor to come in, she told us that she wouldn't recommend it, but she could show us some 3D images of the baby. The reason she said she wouldn't recommend it, is because this early- even a perfectly formed baby might look very deformed in a 3D image. Babies are of course very boney and the sonographer wasn't sure the images would bring us comfort. Matt and I didn't mind and prepared ourselves for whatever we would see. The images couldn't have been more beautiful. We were all surprised. He looks like a baby. Reminded us of Justin :) I'll attach some pictures at the end of the post. I normally wouldn't share ultrasound pictures publicly, but thought you all would like to see our baby boy. If not- don't go all the way to the bottom of the post :) Just a head's up- they do look a little bumpy and "incomplete" in places. It's the imaging and not the baby.
After our sonographer left, the doctor came in. We learned more about how the T18 has affected our baby boy. Instead of both arms being deformed- it now appears that it's only one hand/wrist. His hand is bent inward toward his forearm at the wrist. That was much better than we thought.
We learned that it appears that one ventricle in his heart is wider than the other. This means that one side of his heart will be working overtime. We don't know exactly what that means for the future of the pregnancy, but I believe it would be something that would normally be repaired with surgery at some point. We aren't at the point where we have decided if we would put our baby through surgeries- I think it might be on a case-by-case basis and we'd likely decide just to keep him comfortable.
Lastly, we learned of choroid plexus cysts on our baby's brain. I was fully expecting to hear this as it's a very common marker for chromosomal abnormalities- specifically Trisomy 18. It's what causes the extra fluid that shows up around the head and neck in a Nuchal Translucency screening. Perfectly healthy babies can have these cysts as well. The cysts typically dissolve by late pregnancy.
Overall, we view this appointment as a great one. We got to see these incredible images of our baby, watch him flip all around, and didn't really learn of anything we didn't already know about. He's so perfect. Although I already developed such a bond with him, the 3D images made him seem so much more real. I now have a face I can look at whenever I want. My perfect baby boy. I couldn't be more in love with him.