I will start by saying that if you haven't already figured it out, we lost our son and gained an angel. Micah was born on April 30th at 6:24pm weighing 1 lb 8 oz and 12 3/4 inches.
This will absolutely be the longest post I've written to date as I have so much to say. I don't want to forget a thought. I will do my best to keep it organized into "chapters" for ease of reading. Please, if you haven't yet, "like" www.facebook.com/micahsfight to follow along. We've been sharing our updates on there as I post to Micah's Fight Facebook Page more frequently than to the blog.
The Days Leading up to Micah's Birth:
Tuesday and Wednesday Pre-Doctor
Once Matt got home from work, I decided that I needed to tidy the house. I really felt in my heart that Micah wasn't doing well- if he was even still alive. As exhausted as I was physically, I would have normally just needed to sit down and rest. I didn't care and made sure the mail was sorted, dishes washed, clothes put away, etc.
We started our nighttime routine with Justin. Every night we ask him, "Justin, where's baby brother? Where's baby Micah?". He usually lifts up my shirt, and hugs, kisses, and rubs my belly. This night he responded by tapping my chest where my heart is. Matt turned around and immediately cried. This is only the third time I had seen him cry in the eight years of our relationship. We read our book and sang our song. I then did what I always do and told him to say, "night night, Micah!" He didn't say, "ny-ny myga" like he always does. Instead, he waved and said, "buh bye" then pointed at the ceiling. Matt lost it again. I was just in shock. Looking back, it was the most beautiful and peaceful moment ever and we think of it often. He knew what I felt in my heart to be true.
Tuesday night was filled with almost no sleep. I fell asleep and then woke up at 4am worrying as I had still not felt Micah. Time couldn't pass fast enough so that I could call the office. I didn't want to bother my doctor for what might have been nothing, especially knowing that they couldn't do anything other than check for a heartbeat. Justin woke up around 5:30am- a couple hours earlier than normal. He just layed in bed, and sang and talked to himself for an hour or so. He never sat up, never cried, just talked to himself. I was not about to go in there and hoped he fell back asleep. He did around 7:15am, and I must've shortly after.
Matt left for work and my phone rang waking me up- it was Matt asking what the doctor said. It was 9:15am! I looked at the monitor and Justin was sound asleep! I couldn't believe Justin was asleep, or that I had fallen back asleep myself. I called the doctor's office and the answering machine kicked on again. At that point I wasn't sure if they were closed for a few days or what. I couldn't wait any longer and decided I needed to have my doctor paged. She is amazing and called me back right away, with concern knowing I was concerned. She gave me the option of meeting her at Labor and Delivery at the hospital, or going straight to the office when they opened for the day at 1pm. I didn't want to get bad news at the hospital, and if I received good news, I certainly didn't want to go to the hospital for no reason.
I went to a friend's house with Justin to help get my mind off of things and so that I wasn't alone. Matt ended up coming home from work a little early as he couldn't think straight and wanted to be with me at the appointment. I put Justin down for a nap, and one of our neighbors came with his daughter to be home while Justin was napping. We told him that we'd either be home shortly with good news, or that Matt's mom would be picking Justin up. We got in the car and proceeded to the office. The office is not even five minutes from our house but it seemed like the longest drive ever. I don't remember if we even talked to each other.
Our Time at the Doctor's Office
Our midwife came in and she saw the look of concern on our face and didn't waste any time letting the nurse take my blood pressure- there wasn't really any point. We just needed to hear a heartbeat. She put the doppler (machine that listens for a heart beat) on my stomach and we heard a heart beat right away. I was more confused than relieved as I was convinced he wasn't alive based on his lack of movement. She hooked up the ultrasound machine and we saw Micah, but there was no movement at all. The midwife spoke to the doctor and then came back to talk to us. She knew our goal was to meet Micah alive if we were able. I was far enough along in my pregnancy that an otherwise healthy baby would have a very good chance of survival- I was in my seventh month of pregnancy. We were told that although Micah appeared to be alive- he was not doing well at all. He could have hours, days, or weeks left- there was just no way of knowing. She advised us that if we wanted to meet Micah alive- delivering him right away might have been our only chance. Matt and I went to the lounge in the office to think about our options.
We had a really hard time deciding. We had chosen to carry this baby and have him make all the calls. If we delivered him without going into labor first- he wouldn't be making those calls- we would. If we were delivering him just to meet him alive, were we intervening too much? What if we didn't wait... each day would be torture as I wouldn't know if he was still alive. Would we always regret not delivering him as that might have been the only chance we had to meet him alive? The neonatal team at the hospital is one of the best in the country- they could potentially do a better job than my uterus at keeping him alive if we chose to go that route. We had so many choices in such a small amount of time. I called one of my new, but closest friends. She has a T18 baby girl who just celebrated her 11 week birthday! I love that baby girl so much, and her mom has helped me get through the hard times. I trusted whatever she said that she would do... as it's usually what I'm thinking and I need another person to bounce it off of. No one knows the feelings or understands the pain as much as another T18 mom. Although we've only known each other for a few weeks, I'm so glad to have met her as we truly love one another and she has become a rock for me.
We ultimately decided to deliver Micah- and we'd go to the hospital with the NICU that was prepared for Micah instead of the hospital we had planned to deliver him at. Since I had eaten lunch, they would need to wait a few hours before he could be delivered- we opted to have a c-section as he wasn't going to survive a vaginal birth.
I didn't cry. Matt was a bit more of a wreck and I was just in disaster mode. I was making calls to get Justin taken care of, our dog Roxie taken care of, calling my family to let them know what was going on. Basically, I was on the phone nonstop and didn't have a moment to breath and grasp a hold of the reality of the situation. My amazing doctor AND midwife decided that they both wanted to be there and they cancelled the rest of the appointments for the day to meet us at the hospital.
We went home, got some odds and ends together. We didn't have hospital bags pre-packed so I was just throwing things in a suitcase. I also had to pack for Justin as I had no idea how long I'd need to pack for. My amazing friend who I saw that morning offered to take Justin for the night or however long we needed. We dropped him off, made plans for Roxie to be taken care of, and we were on our way to the hospital.
At the Hospital
Matt's mom was already there waiting for us. My dad and stepmom arrived shortly after, then my sister, followed my mom and her fiance. I didn't get a chance to see anyone as I was immediately admitted to the hospital. Knowing my family was downstairs to support Matt and me, and anxiously waiting to meet Micah was such a blessing.
My doctor and midwife arrived to the hospital a little while after we had. I was put into a bed and my blood pressure was taken. I believe it was perfectly normal- as it had been the entire pregnancy. I had been complaining of heart palpitations and episodes of seeing spots and nearly passing out, but there was no medical reason they found. I had a referral in with a cardiologist and was planning to make the appointment in a few days.
After my blood pressure, they checked for a heartbeat again. The heartbeat was picked up right away- I did feel a bit of relief that we'd be meeting our son alive.
Next, they checked my pulse. Once my pulse registered, one of the nurses who was in the room was very honest and told me she wanted me to have an ultrasound- she didn't believe the heartbeat they heard was Micah's. We saw Micah on the ultrasound machine and without our doctor having to say anything- I saw no heart activity. The heartbeat that was picked up was actually mine. Most healthy people with normal blood pressures would not have a resting heart rate of 144. It wasn't the first time I caught my pulse being so high- even when I was in a relaxed state. I realized this a few days later... I'm not sure what the medical reason for my pulse being so high was, but I like to think that it was my heart trying to beat for Micah. His heart had stopped- mine was trying to keep him alive. Our hearts were trying to beat as one <3
When Matt and I saw there was no heart rate, we both lost it. All of our dreams of meeting our son alive were not answered. Later on you'll read why it was so important to us, but why it ended up not mattering that he was born sleeping.
Things quickly changed as I was going to be immediately prepped for surgery. I was offered the option to deliver vaginally, but with my past history with Justin- it would be at least a three day process. I didn't think I had it in me- I don't regret my decision. If Micah had just passed, three days later the amniotic fluid could have really changed his body and I wanted to meet him looking as "normal" as possible.
Matt asked if he had time to go downstairs and tell our families. I knew my mother in law was there, and that my dad and stepmom were minutes away if not there already. I called my dad since I didn't know if he was downstairs or not.. he picked up the phone and was crying so hard. I cried with him. Matt had just told them that their grandson had passed away. The emotions shared by my dad were really important to me- he loved Micah even though he never met him and felt the same pain in his heart that we did. Both him and my stepmom had followed along with the blog and checked in on me every step of the way. Kim was absolutely amazing making sure I was very busy in the first few weeks after diagnosis. I'll never know what was discussed, and how everything went as I was upstairs, but I know that emotions were shared and I'm so happy that our families had one another.
My amazing midwife did not leave my side. I'm sure I rambled incessantly, and I don't even remember what was talked about. I was in such a daze. Matt came back to the room and shortly after I was taken to the Operating Room and prepped for surgery. I always have an issue with the spinal hurting as it takes a while for them to place it and I can feel everything. I hate being in there without Matt... (dads aren't allowed in until the mom is fully prepped). It's so cold and sterile and alone and it's so scary. I hate everything about being prepped.
Matt and my midwife sat up at my head and my midwife told me every step that was being done. It's a weird thing to be completely numb, but completely awake when you're being operated on. My doctor was absolutely amazing through every step of this as well. Our midwife took Matt's iphone and took probably a hundred pictures of every moment. She captured our faces before, during, and after Micah's birth. She took pictures of the room, of Micah being born, getting his first bath, us meeting Micah for the first time- my facial expressions looking at Matt holding his son for the first time. Those pictures will be the ones I treasure my entire life. If you're reading this- I can't thank you enough for those gifts you gave us that day. My doctor was phenomenal and took such good care of me, and my midwife was so amazing. I couldn't have gotten through this without them. The compassion they have for their patients is over and above what you normally get from a doctor.
Had Micah been alive, I would have wanted him to be placed on my chest immediately- before he was cleaned off- I wanted every moment with him. If he only took one breath, I wanted it to be with me. Since he had just passed away, I preferred him be cleaned off and wrapped in a blanket before I saw him. I could always unwrap him, but I just wanted to be able to see my baby in as gentle of a state as possible.
I saw Micah across the room. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He looked like a baby. He was perfect. I remember repeating to Matt over and over again, "do you see him! he looks like a baby! look at him!". I didn't know what to expect being in only my seventh month of pregnancy. Justin wasn't breathing when he was born and had to be resuscitated. He was completely blue. Micah on the other hand was a beautiful shade of pink. I was afraid he wouldn't be formed. I was afraid he would be hard to look at. I was afraid I wouldn't feel a connection. He was brought over to me just a few moments later. When I heard he was 1lb 8oz I was expecting him to be completely tiny and not look like a baby. He was small, just over a foot long, but he was perfect. He looked like a normal baby, just sleeping. I felt a connection immediately and instead of tears of pain- I immediately cried tears of joy. I felt so relieved I loved him so much. I felt so relieved he looked like a sleeping baby. I felt so relieved Matt seemed to feel what I was having. Matt held him shortly after me and I will never forget the look on his face. He didn't cry when Justin was born- that connection came later. He cried right away with Micah. He had been afraid that if Micah was not alive that he would not be able to hold him. That he wouldn't feel a connection.
Matt hugged that baby and had nothing but love in his eyes. He wasn't holding a dead baby- he was holding the son he came to love over the past year. The pictures that were taken of this moment are the most amazing pictures. I was so emotional looking at the joy Matt had for his son. The only reason it was so important for me to meet Micah alive (other than obvious selfish reasons) was because I wanted Matt to be able to love our son. It didn't matter than Micah wasn't alive- Matt had no problem holding him and loved him so much. I was honestly nothing but smiles. I felt so much joy, so much relief, so much peace. Grief came later as I accepted the situation at hand- but for the first few hours, I had nothing but joy in my heart.
I was moved to the recovery room and my family was able to come in two at a time and meet Micah. All of his grandparents and my sister were able to meet and hold Micah. I'm so happy they felt comfortable doing so as it was wonderful for me to see the love his grandparents and aunt had for Micah. Holding Micah made him more real.
An amazing nurse? staff member? prepared an amazing memorial box for Micah. She took many photos of Micah and Micah with all of us and then later printed them out for me. Still- Micah only looked like he was sleeping. I am open to sharing the pictures to those who would like to come and see them. I don't like to make anyone feel uncomfortable in asking, but I'd love everyone to see them who would like to. The general consensus I'm getting from everyone is how amazed they are with how big he was. His stats sound so small, but he really wasn't as small as I would have expected- still over a foot long. Everyone also says how much he looks like a normal, sleeping baby. I think people were surprised with how good he looked and how they had no problem looking at the photos. We have his footprints, as well as many other trinkets in a memory box. The nurses' mom actually knitted a blanket and a hat that Micah wore. We have those with us and will treasure them forever.
I wasn't able to get out of recovery until 9:30pm. Once I was in a room, a wonderful woman from the volunteer organization, "Now I Lay me Down to Sleep" came to take professional pictures of Micah and us. I was never sure if I would be comfortable having pictures taken, but I figured that I never had to look at pictures if I didn't want to. I could never have those moments back. I HIGHLY recommend anyone in this position get photos taken by NILMDTS. You will never regret having pictures taken, but you could live your life regretting never having them taken. You never have to view them if you're not comfortable, but if you desired to do so, one, two, ten years down the road, you wouldn't have them. By the time the photographer left, it was nearly 11pm and Matt and I were physically and emotionally exhausted. This will lead me into my next section that you can skip over if you are uncomfortable. The next section will discuss our thoughts on handling a situation with a stillborn baby before we were actually in that position. It was absolutely insane how much our desires changed, and once again- another reminder of how we need to not judge others unless we have walked in their shoes.