So what's my reason for asking, "why"? I know there is a reason for me to be carrying a baby with such a dismal prognosis. We may never know the grand reason, but is there an earthly reason? On church on Sunday, the message was about, "Who am I?" Bringing an identity to your life. That affected me so much- this baby may never have his own identity- as his parents, we are the only voice he may have.
I am constantly told how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I feel like I am positively living my life the only way I know how. One foot in front of the other- usually with a smile on my face. I can't imagine going through this without Justin or Matt. I don't want to be strong- sometimes I want to check into a hotel, escape everything, and sleep and cry all day. That's not a possibility for me- I have a life to live. I am a wife and a mother.
Sunday night and each night since then, I've been having vivid dreams of what could potentially be a bigger purpose for this baby. Through sharing our story thus far, I've received an outpouring of support from friends, family, and most meaningful- complete strangers. Every time we hear how our story has inspired others in a certain way, or just gave people perspective on their own lives- I can't explain the feeling it gives me.
I never thought I'd ever be someone to inspire others. I never expected to be in a situation that would help others in their lives or be of some sort of inspiration to them. I am often desensitized to the sadness of our journey. I try to focus on the positive- and it takes someone telling me that they shared my story to a stranger on the plane and the stranger sobbed, for me to remember that what we are going through is so sad. My mom ran into a elementary school teacher of mine and shared our story. The teacher cried for us. That's when I remember our story is a sad one.
One night I had a dream I was on the Ellen Degeneres show sharing our story. Another night, I was being interviewed by a local news station. Last night, Matt and I were on the "Today Show." I don't know why I keep having these dreams, but combined with the message at church last Sunday- I can only guess that the purpose might be to share my story on a larger scale. Maybe we will help someone going through a hard time. Maybe we will help another family feel less alone. Maybe we will help people appreciate the small things in life and show more gratitude for what they have. I don't have the answers.
Please share this blog with anyone who may be inspired by our story. Please help me to give this journey a purpose here on earth.
Friday 3/14 is our doctor appointment where we will find out exactly how the Trisomy 18 diagnosis has affected our baby boy's body. Prayers and positive vibes for strength to handle the news we receive, as well as strength to get us through the next few days more calm than we were the days leading up to our previous doctor's appointment.