This may or may not be the most controversial post on this blog (it obviously is at this stage). I don't want this post to turn into a political debate on termination. If you know me, you know that I rarely, if ever, discuss my political views on anything. This post is not political, or religious- it is about a real person's real feelings as they made the most difficult decision they have ever made. This post will help me document my feelings at a very scary time. I read so many blogs, articles and forums of other's internal debates on whether to terminate for medical reasons. I read the struggles parents went through. Those readings helped me see things in a way I never did before. Matt and I have learned the most about ourselves with this decision. I learned to never judge someone else's decision- especially if I have never been in their shoes.
I would never terminate. This was so easy to say. It's so easy to form an opinion on a hypothetical. I never envisioned myself to be in a situation where I'd have to make this decision. Pregnancy has always been so innocent to me. An innocent miracle. Sure, you hear about all the things that could go wrong with pregnancy and babies- but they would never happen to you. I never thought I'd even struggle with making a decision. I thought I had already made my mind up long before. For me, it all went out the window when I heard the words, "there is a very serious problem with your baby's health and it is unlikely it will make it through pregnancy or survive long after birth".
I had so many random thoughts flooding my head:
Is my baby suffering right now? Will he suffer? Isn't it my job as a parent to keep my child from suffering unnecessarily?
If we choose to continue with this pregnancy, how will it affect Justin? I remember when I found out I was pregnant. All I could think about is how I could love another child as much as Justin. (This one is funny now, because I didn't allow myself to think it a few weeks ago, but I already love this child as much as Justin and I've never met him).
How will I handle losing a child? How will I handle going through each day of pregnancy not knowing if it will be my last. If 2/3 of babies don't make it through pregnancy or birth, will my baby be in the minority or majority?
How will I handle all the normal struggles and discomforts of pregnancy and childbirth knowing that it is likely I leave the hospital empty handed.
If my child is in the 5-10% of babies who make it to their first birthday, how will Matt and I financially, emotionally, and mentally handle a special needs child? How will Justin handle all of this? It would be one thing if it was only Matt and me, but is it fair to Justin? We have to make all decisions on what's best for our family.
Wow. Writing all of these after the fact is really hard. I wish I could go back in time and shake myself. I don't have the answers to all of these questions, but at this point answers are irrelevant.
Matt and I talked. We talked about this almost every waking moment together. We went into this with the exact same views. I had no idea how this would affect us. The one thing I told him is that his opinion mattered just as much as mine. This is not my pregnancy we are talking about- this is OUR child- OUR family. This was the hardest decision either of us have ever had to make. If we were going to chose to terminate, it was something we BOTH needed to be 100% absolutely sure about.
This has already brought us closer together than we've ever been. Matt communicated his feelings completely openly- something that's not always easy for him. If we were going to get through this, we both needed to speak our minds and talk through our decision making processes. I flipped, he flipped. He flopped, I flopped. Our minds seemed to be moving in sync with each other. How can two people who have such differing opinions on so much have such a similar thought process with the hardest thing they'd ever have to decide.
In addition to all the conversations between the two of us, we did a lot of reading. We knew that it was our ultimate decision, but we talked to people who had been in similar situations. We talked to family. We talked to friends. Most importantly, we talked to God. A lot. Probably more than we had ever in our lives. We sent prayer requests to anyone who would take them. We started going back to church and were asked to join a prayer group specific to our situation. Definitely outside of our comfort zone, but we accepted the invitation without a second thought.
I can't say there was a moment we ever actually made a decision. Each day our faith grew stronger and although our fear was still there, it didn't seem to cause as much anxiety. We didn't make a decision because we decided to turn it over to God. It wasn't our decision to make- it is His.
Miscarriages are more common than anyone would ever realize since they are so taboo to talk about. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. The most common cause for miscarriage is a chromosomal abnormality with the baby. I wasn't even expecting to get pregnant this time, my body didn't reject this baby- how can I? There is a plan for us. This is not a mistake. I am already changed in a way I will never be able to articulate.