First, the stomach flu took over the family. Rox (our dog) randomly threw up twice. I didn't think anything of it because this dog has many similar attributes to a vacuum. Her face is always on the ground looking for her next morsel of food. I think this is why Justin and Rox are best friends. J loves feeding Rox while he's eating. His new thing is to hold food out at her while telling her, "No!"
Thursday evening we were playing downstairs. Justin had been totally fine... all the sudden he just kinda stops, coughs, and the proceeds to vomit everywhere. It reminded me a lot of the scene in, "Big Daddy" when the little boy throws up all the sudden after singing the "Kangaroo Song". I got him cleaned up and he was totally fine again. About 40 minutes later, it happened again. He got sick about ten times from 5pm to 1am. He woke up the next morning totally fine again. I'm not sure I got a wink of sleep that night. I was always on standby to go into his room- luckily I caught it every time. For the record, Justin was a champ. He didn't cry when he got sick, he let me take care of him and he made the trash can each time. A lot of the reason I couldn't sleep is that it got me thinking about this baby boy I am carrying...
If it was this taxing to take care of a typically healthy kid, how will I be able to handle our new baby boy if he lives. It's a completely terrifying thought. Although the statistics are stacked against us, the odds were far less that we'd even ever be in this situation. There is much less than a 1% chance that someone my age would have a baby diagnosed with T18. Of the babies diagnosed with Trisomy 18, only 20% are boys. The fact that we are having baby boy with Trisomy 18 is so insanely rare. Five percent of babies will live to see their first birthday. Five percent seems huge compared to the fraction of a percentage chance for us to even be here. Matt and I have a hard time believing in statistics right now. If there is any chance at all for something to happen, you could be that person. I'm not going to lie and tell you that Matt and I didn't think of playing the lottery...
Back to the stomach flu... I did warn you this would be all over the place. Matt woke up very early Saturday morning sick, and it lasted about 24 hours for him. He had it much worse than Justin. The entire time my boys were sick, I was so worried about them. I hate more than anything when my family is sick. It's such a helpless feeling. Poor Matt just wanted to sleep, but I was up in the bedroom every hour asking if he was ready for more water/gatorade/ginger ale/broth/saltines- anything really. When Justin woke up from his nap, Matt finally got the rest he needed.
Justin and I were able to enjoy the gorgeous day and went on a mommy-son date at Fairfax Corner. I got a decaf "coffee" drink, Justin had a mango sorbet, and I finally bought myself some new maternity jeans. That was a huge deal for me. Something I had been fighting myself on for weeks. I needed new jeans... badly. I don't know how long I will be pregnant. I may be pregnant for 40 weeks, or today may be my last day. Maternity clothes are not cheap. Matt and I have to be smart with our money on one income. (I have temporarily taken a giant step back from my part-time job as a Wine Consultant to focus on taking it easy and focusing my minimal energy on my family.)
Medical expenses are already starting to roll in. While they are manageable right now, the future terrifies me. I try not to let it stress me out, and it's not something Matt and I have even talked about, because we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now, being smart with our money and trying to save while still enjoying life is our goal. I think I was just using money as an excuse to not buy new maternity jeans. I think I'm just scared to buy anything for this baby/pregnancy.
My sister asked me a question I had never thought about the other day. She asked if I wanted to have a baby shower for this baby. If it was a healthy baby, I would not. It's another boy and they will be just under two years apart. Other than nursery furniture, double stroller, diapers, and things here and there, we pretty much have everything we needed for a healthy baby boy. I'm not planning a nursery right now, because I know I would have such a hard time having an empty nursery. If this baby lives, we can always put together his room.
I'm not planning anything for this baby and I feel guilty about it. I know I will want to buy him sentimental things before he is born. A hospital outfit since we will be getting professional pictures in the hospital this time, and some blankets, personalized things (choosing a name for this baby is an entirely different blog post), I don't really even know. Things that if he doesn't survive, we can cherish and remember him by. Someone mentioned they had a celebration for their T18 baby while she was pregnant. Each person brought something special for the baby- not the typical practical or cutesy baby shower gifts, but each gift was something that the guest was truly giving to the baby or mother/father. It was a beautiful celebration of the baby. I think each guest made a page for a memory book that the parents could read later. I think I could do something like that- something happy to celebrate my perfect baby boy, while also helping my family and friends feel a bit more "bonded" to the baby.
Bringing it back to the stomach flu one last time. I don't think I've ever been so scared to be sick. This baby is strong. He has survived the odds against him already! Regardless of how strong he is, (we will learn more in a few weeks when we go back to the specialist) we already know he has a heart abnormality. I was so scared that if I got the stomach flu that the baby wouldn't survive. I ended up with a painful stomach ache on Sunday and felt pretty run down and was so scared that I was going to catch the stomach bug. Looking back, I think the stomach ache was because I accidentally slept on my stomach while in the guest room Saturday night. I also hadn't had a slept more than a couple hours at a time for a few days... Today is Tuesday, and I'm still in the clear...
Thursday is our appointment at the OB. It's a regular pregnancy check-up. We won't learn anything about the baby... just check my vitals and listen for the heartbeat. I'm trying to stay strong, but I know there is a chance we won't hear a heartbeat on Thursday. I know that no matter what, I won't be ready for my baby to go. I'm definitely not ready now. I pray every day that I will at least get the chance to meet him, hug him, kiss him, tell him how much I love him. I want my family and friends to meet him. Hang in there baby boy, we love you.