***Please only continue reading if you are comfortable reading about the time we spent with Micah after he passed. I personally feel what we wrote shares beautiful moments, don't feel there is anything graphic or disturbing about what I wrote, but Matt and I have become desensitized to our situation.***
Our Time with Micah after he Passed
Before and After: After: By the time I was finally out of the recovery room after my surgery, it was already 9:30pm. It always takes me a while to stabilize after surgery. I think most people are typically only in recovery for an hour or so... I was in there for three. We settled into our room with Micah in arms and our wonderful photographer came. It will be four to six weeks before we are able to see our pictures as the photographers are typically full time photographers with families and volunteer their time to this charity. I cannot wait to see the pictures and I hope I feel the same way in four to six weeks. There are pictures of us with Micah, Micah just with his mom, just with his dad, and some of our sweet angel alone.
Once our photographer left, it was after 11pm. It was the longest day of my life. Matt and I were so emotionally drained. We had nothing left. I had only been out of surgery for a few hours. Although we planned to say goodbye to Micah after our photo session, neither one of us had it in us. We not only weren't ready to say goodbye- we just had nothing left. It was also our first time since Micah's birth that we were alone in the room with him. We wanted our time alone as a family.
An AMAZING charity called, "A String of Pearls" sent us a care package a few months ago. In the package were care items for the mother as she recovers from an infant loss (a journal, herbal tea, rose water candle, books, cream to help with the pain of engorgement caused by milk coming in, scripture verses, etc) and various keepsake items for your baby including little "lovey" blankets- one for the baby to be buried with, and one for you to wrap the baby in and keep for yourself, plaster, clay, and items to make keepsakes of footprints, etc. Matt and I decided to use all of the items in the keepsake kit that we were able to. The time we spent was very precious as we created memories with our boy. We carefully painted his feet and pressed them onto a ceramic ornament that will be hung on our Christmas tree every year. We put footprints in the bible we brought right over his bible verse- Act Justly. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly. -Micah 6:8. We held his little hand, stared at the miracle we made together. Talked, prayed, laughed, cried, and just bonded as a family.
Earlier the previous day, one of my sweet friends in one of my moms groups handed me a little gift. She was so unnecessarily apologetic as she explained that she didn't know if it was appropriate to give me a gift for Micah. It was a book she reads to her children every night before bed and as she read it she thought of Micah and me. She said that she had purchased it to celebrate our "Viability Day" milestone weeks prior, but had been unsure of whether she wanted to give it to us. Something compelled her to bring it to me that morning, even though it had been sitting for weeks... little did we know that Micah would be born the next night. Many moms have already heard of this book. It's called, "On the Night You Were Born." I put it with our other keepsake items that same day. In going through the items at the hospital, Matt and I decided we wanted to create another memory by reading our son a bedtime book at the only opportunity we will ever have to do so. We took turns tearfully reading the pages to sweet Micah. It was the most emotional and incredible memory we could have created. The pages were beautiful and I don't know if we actually got the words out through our sobs. The last two pages of the book were the most touching:
(not even once upon a time)
Has the world ever known a you, my friend,
And it never will, not ever again…
Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.
After we completed all of our keepsake memories, we literally had nothing left. I wasn't going to say goodbye. I couldn't. I wasn't ready to let my baby go forever (on earth).
In order to release the body to the hospital, a social working meets with you and you sign paperwork with information about where the hospital will release the body- cremation or burial, which funeral home, what our wishes were, etc.- all things we would need to decide before signing the paperwork and we were not ready at midnight to do so. I believe we could have let Micah's body go without the paperwork and made decisions later, but I was absolutely terrified that he would get mixed up and without paperwork, become a "John Doe". Possibly an irrational thought, but people make mistakes and it was not going to be with my baby. I also couldn't bear the idea of having my baby spend the night in the hospital morgue without Matt and me having made any decisions about his arrangements. We decided that we'd keep Micah in the room with us for the night as we tried to get some sleep, and make calls to funeral homes and talk to the social worker first thing in the morning. I asked the nurse to bring in a bassinet so I could sleep next to my sweet angel for my first and last time. I couldn't believe it, but Matt and I were officially those "disgusting, creepy, morbid people" we read about and I don't regret anything we did for a second. The memories we created our only night with Micah will stay in our hearts and minds forever.
I think I finally put Micah down in his bassinet around 1:30am. I "slept" in fifteen minute increments until 5:00am when I picked Micah up again. I missed holding his sweet body. All the things I was worried about (discoloration, odor, stiff body) had not happened yet. He was still my angel and besides his body no longer having warmth, he was exactly the same as the moment he was born. I wanted to cherish every last moment I had with him as I knew we'd be meeting with the social worker in just a few hours.
Matt slept wonderfully, which I'm so happy about. He said he felt like he could breath for the first time since we found out Micah's diagnosis. I am so glad he is able to sleep- I still have not had a full night of sleep, but it doesn't matter. After being alone for the past few hours, I finally woke Matt up around 7am and we made our decisions for Micah's body. We contacted the funeral home that someone had recommended to us and we were ready to speak to a social worker. I told the nurse and she made the call. I don't want to spend too much time talking about the next part, because I don't want anger to be the tone of this post.
Our nurse was wonderful and kept calling the social worker (who was supposed to check her voicemail every hour). Hours went by, and there was no sign of her. I was getting angry. Very angry. I was so worried my baby boy's body would start to change and I didn't want to remember him looking or feeling any other way than how I first met him. I was still holding him, but had bundled him up even more and was looking at him less and less. I still had my chin resting on his head, and I couldn't stop touching his sweet face, holding his tiny hand, and rubbing his tiny feet, but I didn't want to see him any differently. Micah can only live on in my memories and I needed those images to be as peaceful as God had given us when we met him the first time. I explained this to the nurse, that it was the most horrible situation to put a grieving mother in- she should not have to feel like she needed to distance herself from her baby because someone wasn't doing their job. Our wonderful nurse advocated for us, and kept escalating the issue as she had still not heard back from the social worker on call. Finally, a social worker from another section of the hospital (who was very sweet but had absolutely no experience with infant loss as she normally works with adults) came to us. It wasn't until 2:30pm. I was absolutely furious, but was still trying to enjoy my time with my son.
When the time came, Matt and I removed some of the blankets we had Micah wrapped in, including his hat, so that we could keep them forever. Saying goodbye to our baby, now wrapped in only one hospital blanket, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We prayed over Micah, talked to him, held each other, hysterically cried. We decided to hold the camera while doing so and take multiple photos while saying our goodbyes. Knowing that we have real pictures- not posed- of our true feelings at the moment leading up to and including his birth, and the moments we said goodbye is very special. I know it was just his body- but we were still saying goodbye to his future with us. All the ideas that you have of who your child will be when you find out you are pregnant. We will never know how he would have been. As they carried him away, he was forever gone until we meet again in Heaven.
Although it was not what I wanted, and I felt horrible putting others in this uncomfortable situation, a couple visitors were able to meet Micah. My mother-in-law also had dropped by with Justin- he wasn't supposed to be there when Micah was there. I chose not to make a big deal over Micah being in the room with us to Justin- or really mention it or show him at all- but it was nice having our family of four together for the first and last time. Even though Justin spent most of his time playing with the closet and bathroom door, whining that I couldn't hold him, and charming a popsicle out of the nurse :).
Especially with how strong our feelings were as we read about the choices other parents made, I would never in a million years have thought we'd chose to spend our time the way we did. I would also never give back a second of time we had with him and neither Matt or I will ever regret any decisions we made about the time we spent with our angel.
I plan to write posts in the next few days about our recoveries- both emotional and physical, thoughts as we plan his arrangements, and most important- a post dedicated to the hundreds of thank yous we have for the overwhelming amount of support we have received. I don't think words will ever be able to show our appreciation for everything.
For now- please know that we have chosen to make Micah's service open to the public. We started this blog to give Micah the legacy and life he wouldn't be able to have on his own. Micah's story has spread to thousands of people, and we are so touched that we were able to give the gift of a legacy to our son as we could not provide him with a life. I know that Micah will be smiling down from heaven as he sees all of the people whose lives he touched- whether we personally know you or not- and I know seeing that will make the grieving process easier for us.
We are doing a simple graveside service on Monday, May 12th at 12pm at the Fairfax Memorial Park "Garden of Angels". The park is near George Mason University- 9902 Braddock Road, Fairfax, VA 22032