That leads me to this post. I have been having a really hard time lately. One of the many things I was worried about when we made the decision to carry this pregnancy was how I would handle all the physical changes and discomforts with pregnancy knowing there may not be a happy ending.
My fluid levels have been increasing, and at only six months (about to enter my seventh month of pregnancy) I am often very uncomfortable. Some days are great- I'm able to go for long walks and be active with Justin- and other days I have these scary episodes. In my last post, I described the first episode I've had at the doctor. Since then, I've noticed that I've been short of breath with my heart pounding very frequently. At least once a day now. Last week, I carried Justin into our Preschool Playtime at the nZone like we go to at least once a week, and this time things were different. I noticed that my heart was racing a bit when I was driving (but as I've mentioned- this happens frequently). As soon as I walked in, I got super hot, started seeing spots and didn't know if I was going to pass out or throw up. Luckily there was a chair and I sat down immediately. Justin very fortunately stayed close by and didn't get into trouble- thank goodness for the ATM machine by the front door that always holds his attention. I sat for maybe five minutes, and I was completely fine. I know I shouldn't carry Justin- but if I don't carry him- he runs off and I have to literally run after him. He has no realization that streets are dangerous, and for a toddler- he is fast!
That afternoon, I took my blood pressure and resting pulse. My blood pressure was normal, but my pulse was 130! Matt has been on me to call the doctor, and I told him I would if I had another episode. I have an appointment this Thursday morning at my OB so I will let them know everything going on and hopefully everything will be fine with me.
I haven't called the doctor because I'm terrified of being put on bedrest. The only thing that has been keeping me sane is staying active and busy with Justin. Living my life as normally as possible and distracting myself. I already spend Justin's naps laying on my side- but when he's awake- we're on the go. I can't imagine sitting at home. I can't imagine having to rely on others to do things for me. I am stubborn and always concerned about inconveniencing others. I don't like putting anyone out, even Matt, especially Matt. He does so much and I want to hold up my end. I ended up with two separate infections after my c-section with Justin because I hated asking Matt to do things for me, and I pushed myself too hard. Matt was absolutely amazing, but having someone wait on my every need was too much for me. From the majority of other T18 moms I've talked to, bedrest is inevitable at some point. I just hope that is sooner than later. I will want to find a daycare center for Justin so he still has some sense of normalcy, and that's an expense I really want to avoid.
I will do whatever the doctor says is best for me and will get me to my ultimate short term goal of being able to meet Micah alive.
I'm having a really hard time emotionally with this pregnancy now. I feel like I don't get any of the perks of being pregnant. I was much sicker this time around- which says a lot because I was pretty sick with Justin. Since Micah seems to be unable to swallow his fluid, my amniotic fluid levels are already off the chart. I have back pain, I can't bend over, I can't take full breaths at times, I feel enormous- pretty much all the normal discomforts you get at the end of pregnancy when you're just weeks away from your due date. I'm still three months away. I still love feeling Micah kick and move everyday, and I know that the further I can make it through pregnancy- we have a better chance of spending time with him- whether that's minutes, hours, days, or even months or years!
Instead of excitedly awaiting a Baby Shower to celebrate my pregnancy and Micah, or making a registry, or decorating a nursery, or doing any of the "fun things", I see a doctor at least once every two weeks where I usually get some sort of bad news. Instead of double strollers, I'm researching funeral homes. Instead of making a birthing playlist (which I didn't have with Justin anyway), I'm thinking of songs that I'd like included if we did a memorial service. Instead of picking out cribs or other places for my new baby to sleep, we're discussing how/where we will want his body to rest eternally. I wish I could just celebrate Micah and this pregnancy. I wish we weren't faced with this ugly diagnosis and could just celebrate with family and friends.
When we were in NYC, Matt and I decided to buy Micah something. I don't want clothes for him, even as gifts- if he survives, we can always buy clothes. We also have Justin's entire wardrobe. We did pick out a single outfit for Micah at the Toys R Us/Babies R Us in Times Square. Even if he is stillborn, it's one outfit we can dress him in to remember him by. It is button down so if he's full of tubes, he can still wear it. It doesn't have feet so we can roll up the bottom if it's too big. It has built in little mittens so we can cover his little hands if we chose to- especially knowing of the deformities. We were also in the M&M store and saw a little teddy bear with an "M" on his chest. Maybe Micah will cuddle with the bear- maybe he will be buried with it. As morbid as that sounds- we just don't know. I don't want to register or buy him things, but it felt too weird and sad not preparing for his arrival at all.
We have received some amazing gifts. The most thoughtful things ever. Cards, letters, sentimental jewelry, a gift certificate for a cleaning service to come, gift cards for Matt and I to have a night out, a gift certificate for a massage, watching Roxie while we went out of town, a beautiful plaque made with the bible quote from Micah 6:8, books and other information about what we're going through, babysitting Justin, dinners, an amazing gift basket from the charity, "String of Pearls" with items to bring to the hospital for babies diagnosed with a terminal illness, I know I'm forgetting things... Those are the things that help me celebrate this pregnancy and make things easier for Matt and I and we are forever grateful. I won't have a traditional baby shower, so these things put a smile on my face and warm my heart.
I don't want to say that we are losing faith. We will never lose faith. Easter service at church was all about being hopeful and allowing God to write our story. Matt and I have 100% allowed Him to write our story. We know the God we serve is healing and capable of miracles if that is the story He wrote for Micah. We know the power of prayer is amazing. We are not losing hope- we are not pessimistic- we are just trying to stay realistic. As I've said before- we will ALWAYS be prepared to hear good news and receive a miracle. I am not preparing for the worst case scenario- unfortunately it's the "most likely scenario" I'm preparing for. With anywhere from two-thirds to ninety percent of babies not making it through pregnancy or birth alive, and only five to ten percent of babies living to see their first birthday- I have to prepare to be in the majority fully knowing that if it's His plan- we could be in the minority of survivors.
I will continue to stay faithful, hopeful, positive, and as upbeat as I possibly can. I just wish that my body would keep up with my mind. I keep trying to pretend that I'm not as uncomfortable as I am sometimes... If I pretend I'm not having issues, they'll just go away, right? Obviously that's a ridiculous statement but I refuse to give into my body failing me. A doctor will have to direct me before I give in.
Thank you for the continued prayers and thoughts. Next appointment is this Thursday, April 24th. We can do this, Micah <3