With that said... WE HEARD A HEARTBEAT!
Last week, each day was harder than the prior. I didn't share this openly on the blog, because I didn't want people to worry unnecessarily. Although I had been feeling this baby at least once a day for weeks, I didn't feel him for a few days before the appointment. I didn't think anything of it at first since I typically feel him when I'm inactive and there wasn't very much of that. I was constantly trying to keep myself busy the best I could to keep my mind from wandering too much leading up to the appointment. I didn't feel the baby because I was active and I was so active because I couldn't feel the baby. A viscous cycle. I kept myself relatively calm... until I checked the mail.
I'm not entirely sure how the March of Dimes (MOD) got this information, but I received a big packet in the mail from them. When I opened it, there was a letter "sending condolences for (my) loss". In addition to the letter were several booklets on various topics ranging from, "Bereaving the Death of your Baby" to, "How to Prepare to Try Again".
I used to lose it at an emotional YouTube video or the Sarah McLachlan animal rescue commercial. I've lately found myself to be what Matt calls, "emotionally desensitized". I don't think the magnitude of the packet from March of Dimes hit me right away. Instead, it chipped away at me little by little.
At first I wasn't mad at their unfortunate error. I was grateful that there are organizations out there to help families in their time of need. We just aren't there yet, and I'm hesitant to check the mail :)
I've said it many times, I'm pregnant until I'm not. This diagnosis doesn't make me any less pregnant. Don't ignore this pregnancy or this baby. I'm still pregnant and he's still alive.
Also, so I don't forget... I've been told by many people that they are sorry they hadn't reached out sooner, or that they had been avoiding us because they didn't want to say the wrong thing. Guess what? As long as it's coming from a good place, you can't say the wrong thing to us. This is a situation that (thank God) many people will never be exposed to; directly or indirectly. I wouldn't know what to say to someone. Matt and I have agreed that the only wrong thing to say is not to say anything at all. If you want to say something, but don't know what... just say that you are so sorry that we are going through this and that you are thinking/praying for us. Honestly, a simple, "I'm sorry" or "thinking of you" means so much to us. Although we don't have big news everyday, this is still our everyday reality.
For those of you who have specifically asked to be updated after an appointment, we are so lucky that there are many of you. We don't keep a list of people who have reached out each time. It shouldn't be like this, but it's hard to remember who wants to be updated and who we've already reached out to. Even those who are very close to us. Please, please, please don't be offended if you find out an update through Facebook or this site and not directly from us. Feel free to contact us again after the appointment.
If you've ever reached out to us and we haven't gotten back to you, please follow up. Sometimes I get a message while I'm driving, or in the middle of something and I cannot respond right then. I do my best to remember to respond, but since I'm in a constant state of distraction, I don't always remember. You aren't bothering me if you follow up. You're helping to make things easier :)