Each day I think of more things that are in my(our) minds and I figured it might be best to just record my random thoughts here.
- This is not a private matter to us. We aren't shouting it from the rooftops, and haven't put our pregnancy or diagnosis on Facebook at this stage, but we are choosing to be very open in our journey. See, we love this baby already more than I could have ever guessed we would at only 4 months pregnant. I have such a stronger connection to this baby than I did with Justin at this stage in pregnancy. We know that each day I am still pregnant is a blessing. I take weekly belly pictures like I did with Justin, rock my belly bump happily, and fully embrace my pregnancy.
- Don't be afraid to ask about my pregnancy as you would if you didn't know anything was wrong. This baby deserves so much more than to be forgotten or not talked about. We may never get the chance to meet him, but he will forever be a part of our family and will always be our son. I refuse to distance myself from this pregnancy. I was never a huge fan of belly rubs, but I feel differently this time around. Touch my belly if you want, it may help you feel closer to our little boy, and that is ok. I refuse to keep anyone from having whatever special moments they want with him, even while he is in my belly. Do what you are comfortable with, but don't be afraid to talk to me about anything. I am always open to answering questions. Matt is as well.
- We don't regret at all the decision we made to carry this baby and not to terminate for medical reasons. We put our entire faith in God's hands and it is so freeing and comforting to have the weight lifted off our shoulders. We are at a peace I never thought we'd get to. Of course I have my moments, but overall, I can live my life so much more normally than I did the first couple weeks while we were still deciding what we were going to do. I have a husband and toddler who need me. I can't lay in bed all day with my head under the blankets hiding from the world. It's much easier to continue normally with my life when I'm not waiting for the next doctor's appointment where I may or may not get bad news. We don't know when God will call our little boy to Heaven. It could be tomorrow, it could be many years from now. We don't know- only He does. Although it's so hard, we have to try our best not to live our lives in fear or anxiety.
-Our next appointment is on February 27th. It's just a normal, routine pregnancy check-up. At my last check-up, I asked my doctor how I will know if our baby's heart stops. She told me that it is very likely I will have no idea until we can't find the heartbeat with the doppler at an appointment. I am far enough along that my body will not likely miscarry the baby naturally. It will continue on as if I am pregnant. At first that was the most horrifying thought. I still scares me, but it's also very calming to know that I can live in the bliss of ignorance until my doctor's appointment. That's how I choose to live everyday- as if I am still pregnant and my baby is happily wiggling and moving around in there. I have been able to feel him moving around since 13 weeks actually- MUCH earlier than I did with Justin. It's common to feel future babies earlier than your first pregnancy. Matt won't be able to feel anything for a while, and the movements I feel are not consistent. I usually feel him multiple times throughout the day, but nothing like I will when the baby is bigger and there is no question if he is moving around in there. It's a flutter right now, more easily felt when I am sitting or laying down quietly.
-This is something that is a very real feeling, but something that I'm sure will change if we are blessed enough to meet this baby boy. I am absolutely terrified of having a baby who beats the statistics and is in the small minority of survivors. I don't know how I will handle such a disabled child financially, emotionally, physically, or mentally. I don't know how my marriage will handle it. I don't know how Justin will handle it. I have to assume a few things. I feel that if I were to ask any parent of a severely special needs child if they ever thought they'd be able to handle it- most would say no. I imagine it's not at all easy, but it becomes your life and your new normal. Each day you spend with your baby is precious and your family adapts and embraces. There is help out there- you just need to find it. Most importantly, I know that we were not put into this situation by accident. This angel needs loving parents and we were chosen. What a blessing to be able to carry such a special baby. I don't ask, "why us" or think "why do bad things happen to good people". I don't think this is a bad thing at all. It will of course be a major challenge, but it isn't an accident. We have already been changed so much for the better and we've only just begun our journey.