When I shared with Matt how hard of time I was having, he mentioned that we knew this was a strong possibility. We knew it was very likely that we would be told our baby boy's heart stopped beating. I told him that just because I was fully aware of it didn't mean that it made it any easier to handle.
When I am faced with a stressful situation like this, I tend to talk about until I'm blue in the face. Matt talks about it when he's having an OK time with it. When he's having a harder time, he keeps everything inside and becomes a bit short-tempered. We will need to start working hard to find the best way to cope as a couple. This is obviously something that our relationship has never faced and I'd say that 90% of the time we are handling it very well; together. We need to figure out how it get closer to 100% of the time. Now that I'm typing this, as long as we can keep it to just 10% of the time, it's probably healthy there are blow-ups. If we never fought or had some sort of release, it wouldn't be healthy. Yay, go us.
I asked a few people for extra prayers on Wednesday. I posted something in one of the groups I'm in and those ladies all sent their thoughts and prayers for us. Before that I reached out to a few family members.
Justin and I continued our day as normal. We went to our afternoon play group and he was being a menace. Time-outs weren't working, my patience was wearing thin, so we left. I was definitely feeling my blood pressure rising and knew I needed to calm myself down. When Matt got home from work that evening, I begged him to take Justin and have a father/son dinner date. I prayed quietly while laying down and felt baby boy for the first time. I can't explain that moment. That quiet time was absolutely necessary and Matt is an amazing father and husband. Thank you again and again, Matt.
I met up with some friends that night where we just sat and talked for hours. About everything ranging from some college adventures to the best cake I think I've ever had. Thank you girls. Sometimes (often) escaping from my daily routine is the most therapeutic thing for me. I/we are always looking to add things to our schedule, whether it's time apart- or time as a family. When I'm out of the house and Justin is asleep- Matt gets some alone time (or time for him to play darts with his buddies) which is helpful to him as well.
I felt much better, but was still anxious about the appointment the next night. I wasn't convinced I'd hear a heartbeat. I was not ready to say goodbye. I never will be, but I just want to be able to meet him, hug him, kiss him, introduce him to the outside world and all the friends, family, and not so distant strangers that want to meet him. We're very open to that. I can't reiterate enough that we don't want this to be a private thing. I want this baby to touch as many lives as he can in his short time. This blog can be shared with anyone. I don't want Matt and me to have to grieve this alone. I want to share with anyone who wants to know our story. Once we have a name, I'll start a Facebook page for people to follow along with as well. Stay tuned... I imagine you'll see a post coming up soon about the struggle in choosing a name for this baby.
Thursday morning arrived and I received a call very early from the doctor office. I knew what that meant right away. Four women went into labor that night/morning and the doctor and midwife weren't going to be able to see patients that afternoon.
The nurse asked me if everything was ok. I wasn't sure if she had looked at my chart, but told her about the Trisomy 18 and that it had been four weeks since we heard a heartbeat. I told her that I was fine waiting, but now that the day was here, I couldn't imagine waiting longer.
She completely understood and asked if I could get there right away. I called Matt and he was able to meet me at the office. They saw us immediately and after finding out my typically great blood pressure was slightly high (shocker!), we went straight to the Doppler to listen for the heartbeat. This stinker hid a little, but after what seemed like forever (probably five seconds) we heard that beautiful sound. I had never cried hearing a heartbeat before, but this one definitely brought tears to my eyes. I can't put into words what a relief it was to hear his heartbeat.
We discussed a few questions we had and got some great answers. We are in amazing hands. If anyone in the area needs a recommendation for an OBGYN, I can't say enough amazing things about our office. Without me saying anything, the doctor decided that waiting four weeks in between visits was too much for our situation. We will now only have to wait two weeks in between.
We set up the anatomy scan for Friday, March 14th. I'm anxious about that one. Of course we'll find out if there is still a heartbeat, but we will also see him on ultrasound again. We know what his diagnosis is, but other than a few early abnormalities detected, we have no idea how our baby has been affected so far. The specialist will go through each inch of our baby and tell us of every abnormality they detect. That is going to be so insanely hard to hear. No one wants to hear something is wrong with their child, and I imagine the news will be just as hard to hear as the diagnosis was. I originally made the appointment for that Monday, but had to call back and reschedule when I realized that I would need that weekend to digest everything. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers and pray extra hard not only for the appointment itself, but for the strength to get to that appointment and to handle the news we receive.
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