I will forever be missing the should-haves. When I found out I was pregnant with Micah, Justin had just turned one. Although Micah was God's plan- he wasn't ours at the time, and I was really nervous. I wanted to wait to have a second baby until I felt like I'd be able to have a similar bonding experience as I did with Justin. Justin was going to be 2 just a few months after Micah's due date. I knew I would have a wild toddler, and it would make it hard to just bond with my baby.
I then realized that Justin would start preschool at 3. At that time, Micah would be the exact same age Justin was then (about 14 months), and I dreamed of the day I would be able to do the same things with Micah as I was doing with Justin. Every Library Story Time, play-date, playground, mommy-son lunch date, I was at with Justin, I pictured having the same with that baby growing in my belly when Justin went off to preschool. Then everything changed.
When I dropped Justin off for his first day of preschool last Thursday, I was once again reminded of all my dreams that went out the window. Instead of driving away for the first time with a 14-month old in my car, to spend our own time together without big brother, I knew I'd be driving away with an empty carseat. Matt is an amazing and supportive husband, and was able to make a minor modification to his work day to allow for coming with us to drop Justin off for his big day! I wasn't alone in the car when we pulled away, and I was so grateful for that.
Tomorrow will be the first day of driving away with an empty carseat, but I'm feeling much better than I did a few days ago. I have plenty of things to keep me busy, and it will be great to be able to work without having Justin interrupting or distracting me. I might even be able to get to bed at a reasonable hour- ha!
Prayer is amazing. God is good and I have so much faith in Him and His plan. I personally believe that time doesn't heal all wounds- but as time goes on, the wounds hurt less. They are still there though, and we stumble upon days or times in our lives that put some pressure on that wound and we hurt all over again. Be kind to others. Always. Everyone is fighting a battle you may know nothing about.
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/…/grieving-the-loss-of-a-c…/